The Right Touch

When it comes to sex, there is a lot of touch. Massage this, rub that, lick this, stroke that. In most sex teachings, this is the entirety of the training.  Now don’t get me wrong, this is important stuff. We need to know where to put things. But there are other deeper layers to touch, and Tantra entices us to these realms.

Beyond this surface level understanding of where and what to touch, we want to understand and feel HOW to touch. How hard we touch creates the difference between comfort and discomfort, between meh and ecstasy. The way we do this is by exploring and finding the “resilient edge of resistance”.

“There are other deeper layers to touch, and Tantra entices us to these realms.”

The Resilient Edge

Barbara Carrellas does a great job of explaining this idea in her book “Urban Tantra.” Think about times you’ve been touched in the past. If the touch is too tentative or light, it may feel weak, ticklish, or just icky. If the touch is too heavy, it may hurt, tighten up your muscles, and make you much less relaxed. Have you ever had a massage like that? It’s not fun.

The perfect place in between these extremes is the resilient edge of resistance. Everyone is different, so there isn’t a marker to know when you’ve found it. You simply have to explore, notice someone’s reaction to your touch, or even ask them how it feels. When you find that place, you and the person you are touching will know it. It feels just right, allowing them to relax, surrender, and open to pleasure.

“When you find that place, you and the person you are touching will know it.”

Locating Life’s Sweet Spots

This not only applies to touch, but all areas of our lives. If you have too much stress in your life, you may become overwhelmed and your body begins to shut down. If there isn’t any stress at all however, you may feel unchallenged, lifeless, and lost. With physical exercise, it is the same. If you push your body too hard too fast, you’ve gone past the edge of resistance and you will likely hurt yourself. But if you don’t push your body enough, it becomes flaccid, weak, and unhealthy.

With sex, we want to locate this edge of resistance as well. If the sex is too soft and weak, it may feel ok. But a lot of potential pleasure and spiritual openness will be left on the table. Overall, the feeling will be one of a lack of fulfillment. If the sex is too strong and aggressive, it becomes assaulting, unpleasurable, and scary. This is not conducive to the pure opening of heart and spirit into Tantric ecstasy.

The Ever-Changing Nature

Now, the interesting thing is that this resistance edge is always changing. We are humans, so we are constantly moving through different moods, feelings, and desires. It’s our job, as Tantric lovers, to show up with presence and understanding, constantly finding this edge of resistance and dancing there. This requires total commitment and awareness. As soon as you drift off into your own world, fantasies, and agenda, you’ve lost the thread of connection and thus, the “Resilient Edge of Resistance.”

“It’s our job, as Tantric lovers, to show up with presence and understanding, constantly finding this edge of resistance and dancing there.”

Tantra Exercise (Walking the Edge)

Today will be a living walking meditation on the edge of resistance. Keep this idea, this thought, and goal of dancing on this edge throughout the entire day. Everything you do will be in alignment with your purpose.

If you hug someone, find that edge in your hug. Not too soft, but not too hard. Just right. If you workout, find that edge in your exercise. Push yourself a bit more than usual, but not too far. If you have a deep, important, or difficult conversation with someone, find that edge. Lean in and deliver your thoughts with grace, empathy, and strength.

If you are having sex, find that edge. It may change throughout the entire experience. But as it does, your presence will guide you along with it. Perhaps it’s slow and soft in the beginning, then becomes hard and aggressive. Perhaps it’s a steady flow of deep powerful, spiritual penetration. Wherever and whatever it is, find it. Dance with it. Ride it like a surfer on a wave. Stay present, aware, conscious, and enjoy the deep pleasures of Tantric sexual energy that lie just on the edge of resistance.

If you are ready to go deeper into Tantra and take your sexual spirituality to the next level, then sign up for the emails here. There are lots of wonderful things coming in the world of the Tantric Male very soon. Hop on board!


Explore and enjoy!

Andy Eversole, C.H.

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